I have some issues today...
I apologize but I'm also going to skip my show tonight.
I'm gonna take some time for my myself. I heard some really bad news about my mom today. You guys may have known she has to get her ovaries removed due to unidentifiable masses growing on and around them. They only found the masses because she recently went to the emergency room due to just feeling really bad for a few days and she didn't know what the problem was.
The appointment to get the masses removed isn't until the 5th of may. Well now they are finding that her lymph nodes may be effected because she's now got lumps under her arms near her breasts which means it's spreading.
I'm just really upset and confused about my emotions. My mother and I never had a very good relationship and I never thought I would care if she died. I know that sounds harsh but I can't really even get into all the pain she has caused me though-out my life. So now that she is really in danger of something serious I am really upset and angry.
My grandma keeps arguing with me about calling her and talking to her about how she's doing but the idea of doing that makes me extremely uncomfortable. I'd most likely burst into tears within the first few seconds and I just don't want to show her that I care as much as I do. I feel like it will just make me more open and vulnerable to the issues and pain that I have inside that I haven't been able to deal with yet.
Plus it doesn't help that I myself almost died 6 months ago when I dealt with my own medical issues/the stroke. I mean I don't really talk about the fear I have from the incident very much because it was so traumatic and I am constantly dealing with the anxiety. It feels like I could just kill over at any second and I'm just not ready. I'm so grateful for surviving but it's so scary to think that another spot of blood clots could form anywhere and cause another more dangerous stroke or heart attack that could kill me or really fuck up my brain to no return.
I just don't want this to be happening right now. I'm selfish and I need some more time to deal with everything before I can deal with this.
I'm gonna take some time for my myself. I heard some really bad news about my mom today. You guys may have known she has to get her ovaries removed due to unidentifiable masses growing on and around them. They only found the masses because she recently went to the emergency room due to just feeling really bad for a few days and she didn't know what the problem was.
The appointment to get the masses removed isn't until the 5th of may. Well now they are finding that her lymph nodes may be effected because she's now got lumps under her arms near her breasts which means it's spreading.
I'm just really upset and confused about my emotions. My mother and I never had a very good relationship and I never thought I would care if she died. I know that sounds harsh but I can't really even get into all the pain she has caused me though-out my life. So now that she is really in danger of something serious I am really upset and angry.
My grandma keeps arguing with me about calling her and talking to her about how she's doing but the idea of doing that makes me extremely uncomfortable. I'd most likely burst into tears within the first few seconds and I just don't want to show her that I care as much as I do. I feel like it will just make me more open and vulnerable to the issues and pain that I have inside that I haven't been able to deal with yet.
Plus it doesn't help that I myself almost died 6 months ago when I dealt with my own medical issues/the stroke. I mean I don't really talk about the fear I have from the incident very much because it was so traumatic and I am constantly dealing with the anxiety. It feels like I could just kill over at any second and I'm just not ready. I'm so grateful for surviving but it's so scary to think that another spot of blood clots could form anywhere and cause another more dangerous stroke or heart attack that could kill me or really fuck up my brain to no return.
I just don't want this to be happening right now. I'm selfish and I need some more time to deal with everything before I can deal with this.
posted by (aka "UndressJess") at
4:17 PM
6 Comments:
take your time and do what you need for your self the rest will fall into place let he goddess guide you
Thank you so much! I really appreciate the good thoughts. I am trying to stick to positive thought myself.
Jess you are a beautiful person inside and out. I have been following you for quite some time now I noticed that you have a good heart, a strong will, and a great mind. Your mother will pull through this, but I believe a call from a loved one always help in the time of need with the past behind you only the future lies ahead. Stay positive always with love from one of your fans Erick.G
Thanks Erick. I might call her tonight. I wish I had some liquid courage though!
Not even a question Jess, do whatever you need. You have to come first, and I can't believe any members would have the temerity to feel differently. However it resolves, I wish you the best.
Starkover
Thank you Starkover. I think she will be okay it's just awful that before they even went in to get it out it seems to be in other places now.
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