You'll never guess what happened to me today. I'm insane apparently.

Today was a doozy. Of course that means I didn't work on my burlesque routine anymore or lighten my ebony roots to a pale shade of blonde as I had intended. :( One incredible thing that happened today though was that I received the blue 64gb generation 5 iPod touch that Rockin sent me from my amazon wish list! I'm actually writing this blog post on it from my top bunk as we speak.

I don't think that Sam-e or 5htp that I had been adding in with my Wellbutrin regimen for the last month or so was a very good idea . Ever since I started the Sam-e my depression has worsened, hitting an all time low. It's has been utterly awful. Then, when I finally added in the 5htp maybe a week or two ago, my anxiety has had the displeasure of completely jumping off the charts worse than I've ever imagined.

I took the Sam-e again this morning but after today I'm not sure I'll ever be taking that again. It's true that I read on the box, in natural healing books & on various sites online (when I was researching this drug) that it's VERY dangerous for Bipolar Disordered folks to take this. It said it could cause mania but I've never been convinced I am, in fact, Bipolar even though I was diagnosed with it about 3 years ago. Plus, honestly I was hoping I'd experience a mania if I am Bipolar because if Sam-e could successfully sustain a mania maybe it would snap me out of my depression, make me more productive and get be back to being my usual cooky self. That was obviously a terrible idea.

I'm still not at all convinced that I'm bipolar but SOMETHING about that Sam-e was driving me over the edge with my depression and anxieties. I've been freaking out about dying A LOT. Last week I woke up swearing that I was dying in my sleep. I've never woken up out of a dead slumber in the middle of a full blown panic attack before. Then last night I thought if I fell asleep I would die. Like, it felt like every time I fell asleep I stopped breathing. That was extremely stressful. Today I had the biggest panic attack that I've had since I had my first one when I was 18.

When I was 18 I was on the phone with my boyfriend at my Mom's house and out of the blue I was positive that my heart had stopped. I dropped the phone and crawled in my Mom's room to tell her my heart stopped and I was dying. I was screaming and crying. Although she took my pulse and told me my heart was for sure still beating, albeit faster than fuck, I did not believe her.

She called her doctor's emergency nurse line and explained to them what my symptoms were & the nurse said it was most likely a panic attack. My boyfriend heard me flipping out the whole time on the phone that I had dropped at the beginning of this ordeal. I felt like a total loser once I finally calmed down about an hour later.

Today I was sure that I had a heart attack. There was a sharp pop of pain in the heart region of my chest and then I swore it was getting very hard for me to get any air into my lungs. Then my left shoulder started hurting and my left arm went numb. At that point I totally snapped. I started breathing insanely fast and pains continued to shoot through the numbness in my left arm. Eventually my chest & left arm started burning and it kinda felt like heart burn like I've heard that heart attacks can sometimes feel like.

All of a sudden all these memories from when my grandpa had a heart attack after he took me Christmas shopping came flooding back to my brain...

I was in 6th grade, I think... We had been out at Macy's shopping all night for my Christmas stuff (he spoiled the living piss out of me every holiday season). When we came home he sat on the couch and calmly told my cancer ridden Korean step-grandmother Sue, that he was having a heart attack. I hid on the stair case scared out of my wits.

He confidently rattled off the symptoms as she called the paramedics and laughed gleefully as he told me it wasn't my fault. He was like that. Calm, smart, aware & courteous. He laughed because he was trying to calm my nerves. He knew I thought it was my fault for making him buy me too much.

Luckily my friend Kayla was here today to baby me, which was exactly what I needed. My love for her is renewed.

As I was struggling to remember the symptoms for a heart attack that my grandpa rambled about out loud to me (who was hiding on the stair case) as he was having one, she rubbed my shoulder and told me I was not going to die anytime soon.

I was so embarrassed. Even after she left I still thought it might be a heart attack since my left arm still felt numb so I called my grandma. She said she was going to come over but she couldn't find her keys. By the time it was time for my member show I was mostly fine. That was 11 hours ago and I'm still incredibly shaken.

I think/hope what happened was that I slightly pulled a chest muscle while I was laughing & I created the other symptoms in my head. At the time however, I was dying as far as I was concerned.

After it was truly over I ordered $50 worth or Chili's delivery and gorged myself on it. That makes me feel great seeing as how I'm already fattening up like a little piggy and I have to dance around in my underwear in front of a ton of people tomorrow. God dammit.

I can't keep on living like this. I sincerely can't wait until the burlesque show is over tomorrow. The one I really don't want to do... Because I need to convalesce